Cannibal Rat Cruises Announces New One-Way Voyages


Do you have an annoying neighbor who blasts Justin Bieber until five in the morning? Do you have a tyrannical boss? And how do you simultaneously reward your nagging spouse and collect on that rather large insurance policy you thoughtfully took out yesterday?

Well, Cannibal Rats Cruises has the perfect thing for you. We are proud to have taken possession of the Lyubov Orlova. The previous owner’s bankruptcy is in our gain. Left abandoned in Newfoundland for two years, it rapidly became one of a kind, a floating zoo, except for the lack of lions, tigers, bears, and many other creatures. Okay, this floating zoo consists entirely of rats. But how many cruise ships can claim a rat zoo?

Originally sold to the Dominican Republic, a nation proud of its rat-free cuisine, the Lyubov Orlova never made it there. The vessel broke loose from the tow ship the very first day at sea. This fact was never noticed.

“Hey, Pedro, have you seen that cruise ship we’re towing?”

“No, Pablo, but I haven’t been looking for it”

The Canadian authorities recaptured the wandering ship a little later. But the tow line snapped again. “In retrospect, using a Slinky to connect our tug to the Lyubov Orlova seems insufficient says an imagined Captain Amos Keeto of the Canadian Icy Ocean Patrol.

The cruise was then left to drift unmanned in the Arctic waters. Says Captain Keeto, “It’s no big deal.”

No big deal until now! Salvagers from Cannibal Rats Cruises, CRC, boarded the ship armed with cannister after cannister of rat poison. Within a scant two days the surviving boarders managed to get the rat population down to a comfortable level.

And that’s where you come in. Hee! Hee! No not you, your neighbor from hell, your cheating spouse, your local lutefisk vendor will be ushered into there spacious staterooms. Meal times are flexible. The rats’ moods set the time. Yes, CRC, is the perfect way for your fiends to lose all those extra pounds.

And best of all, the cost of sending your unloved one on this one-way adventure? Only $77 for an interior room to just $277 for a mini-suite! Expire in a garden villa for a mere $477. How does CRC keep it rates so low?

No overhead. No crew!

Treat those special people to a voyage with Cannibal Rats Cruises. They’ll remember it to the end of their days.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on

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