4) Tap the Amazing Healing Power of Ketchup.
(Who needs pill?)
3) Woman Steals Three-Headed Baby.
(Two-headed baby abductions are so common they’re no longer news.)
2) Archaeologists Discover Skeleton of Satan. Find of the Century.
(Discovering that the Prince of Darkness existed and the Goodness reigns unopposed is only the find of the century. Geez, the millennium at least)
1) Learn Ten New Ways to Talk to the Dead.
(I never knew the ten old ways. I’m so embarrassed.)