Things to Do and Say to a Door-to-door Meat Salesman

With much help from the brilliant Angie Mansfield:steak

1) “You can see me?”

2) “Are you my husband? You ARE. I know it. Won’t you come in?”

3) “How do I know you’re real?”

4) “Are you Satan?”

5) Come back with an open shot gun. Snap it closed in the salesman’s presence and say, “Mrs. So-and-so was gossiping with strangers about me again. Time to teach her some manners. I thank you kindly, sir.” Close the door and stride down the street.

6) “No, thanks. Someone hit a deer on the road last week, so our freezer’s full for awhile.”

7) “No thanks, that’s why we have mouse traps.”

8) *grab BB gun from behind door* “Do I LOOK like I ever BUY my meat?”

9) “No, thanks. If I can’t sacrifice it to Shiva first, I don’t eat it.”

10) “Why buy meat when you have arsenic?”

11) “Could you slaughter in front of me? I’m OCD about freshness.”

12) “Is it kosher? Let’s call the rabbi to be sure. Hm? No, I’m not Jewish, why do you ask?”

13) Look at the meat and say, “Is this your wife? I haven’t seen her lately.”

14) “Could I have this cut in the shape of a perfect hexagon?”

15) “Oh my gosh, did you butcher this yourself? It’s wonderful! I had no idea you could build a butcher shop in a van! I’ve got a raccoon trapped out back — think you could take care of him for me?”

16)”Was this beef circumcised?”

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on

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